


i only know i never wanted to get left behind

by SunshineExploder



Series: take this photograph and i'll take this empty frame [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alex's POV, Bad Decisions, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Physical Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, he's scared and in love it's so bad, not severe but it's there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 07:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9374615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineExploder/pseuds/SunshineExploder
Summary: “I want to know if it was worth it to worry about the ghosts I feared would haunt the memory, about the damage I’m sure the fear has done to me now.”--Or: the fic where Alex loves John and is also really scared of John. Alex's POV of the previous story, read the rest of the series first.





	

Sometimes Alex wishes he would stop waking up. He’s sick of opening his eyes to another day of secrets upon secrets upon secrets. The skeletons in his closet rattle and shake until he’d rather hear John scream than listen to his fears. He didn’t used to hide things, there wasn’t a point. He didn’t have anything to hide or anyone he cared enough to hide from. But then John came along and pulled him into something he doesn’t understand and now he’s got so much to hide.

 

It’s okay, though. He’ll deal with it for John. He’ll do anything for John. He promised, and he’s a man of his word. Alex promised to stay and he will. It’s been a while since that first night with John, maybe a couple months? It’s hard to say, exactly. It’s like being wrapped up in John bends time, takes it away from Alex. He loses the hours he spends against John. It’s a different world with him, time moves differently, but Alex still has to answer for it when he goes home.

 

Home. Home to George and Martha, who are starting to suspect something’s up. Alex has gone from never going out to coming home at all hours of the night and leaving every chance he gets. He knows they worry and wonder and he wishes he could tell them the truth, he really does. They just wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t get that the age difference doesn’t matter, that John belongs just as much to Alex as Alex does to John. They would keep Alex locked up at home and never let him see John again. He can’t let that happen. He doesn’t want to lie to them, but the truth would mean losing John.

 

Peggy and Aaron are a different story. They know about John. They also very much disapprove of what Alex is doing. Everything they say is the same stuff Alex turns over and over again in his mind when he’s with John. It’d be easier to ignore them if they hadn’t had that damn intervention.

 

_ Alex sits on Peggy’s bed, braiding her long hair. Aaron is on the other end of the bed with a calculus textbook, doing the homework they should all be doing. The three of them have been having “study sessions” like this for years. It’s an excuse to hang out, really, especially an excuse to drag Alex out of his house. Aaron is the only one who really does any studying. This is one of the only times Alex really takes a break. _

 

_ There’s a comfortable silence in the room, broken only by the soft music playing. Alex isn’t even really paying attention to the music. He’s focusing on braiding Peggy’s hair. If he doesn’t do it right, it gets tangled and frizzy and he’d like to go a few hours without Peggy kicking his ass. It’s comforting to focus so intently on something so mindless. He stops thinking so much about John and their whole mess when he focuses like this. _

 

_ Of course Peggy has to ruin it. “So. Alex. Let’s talk about John.” _

 

_ Alex freezes. He drops Peggy’s hair, doesn’t look up from his hands. “I don’t want to talk about John.” _

 

_ “Alexander Hamilton doesn’t want to talk? I’m shocked,” comes Aaron’s voice. Peggy smacks his leg and glares at him before twisting around to look at Alex. _

 

_ “We need to talk about John. Me and Aaron are worried about you. It was okay when you were just talking, but this is like, a relationship. You know how messed up it is, right?” When Alex doesn’t answer, she presses on. “My sisters know John. He’s not...he’s not in a good place. He means well, but he isn’t good at holding down relationships. Plus, he’s twenty. You’re seventeen. That’s just barely legal.” _

 

_ Nope. Nope nope nope. Alex hops off the bed and grabs his messenger bag from the floor. “I’m not gonna sit  in here and listen to you talk shit about John and I. I know what the hell I’m doing, Peggy. Just leave it alone.” _

 

_ Peggy doesn’t get up, but she keeps going anyway. “I can’t leave this alone, Alex. It’s unhealthy. He’s not good for you. I know you care about him--” _

 

_ “Care? I don’t care about him. I love him.” _

 

_ That makes her stop for a moment. Just a moment, though. “You can’t love him, Alex,” she says in an almost gentle tone. “He’s twenty. He’s a mess. You can’t love him. I’m sorry, babe, but you know I’m right.” _

 

_ She can’t be right. Alex loves John. There can’t be anything wrong with that, right? There’s nothing wrong with love. It doesn’t matter that John is fractured, Alex can fix him. The age difference doesn’t matter either. It’s all technically legal, and Alex is gonna be eighteen soon anyway. There’s nothing wrong with them. There can’t be anything wrong with them. He doesn’t understand why Peggy and Aaron are so against them, but he’s done dealing with it right now. _

 

_ He fixes a dark look on Peggy. “I can do what I want, Margarita.” And he leaves. _

 

Peggy and Aaron have tried to bring up John since, but Alex shuts them down every time. Even if he did want to listen to them, it wouldn’t matter. There’s no way to get out of this now. Alex is practically held hostage by John. The worst part is probably that Alex chose this. He let John have him and hold him. Alex isn’t a child, he isn’t going to go back on his word because things are getting scary. John was upfront about it, he point-blank told Alex that choosing to stay meant being his. There’s no way out now.

 

To be honest, Alex isn’t sure if he wants a way out or not. Yeah, he lives in fear and lies, but John almost makes it worth it. They have a good time together. John touches him almost reverently, plays with his hair and curls around him. John likes to be held, and it feels good to hold him. Alex likes keeping John happy and close. When John is happy, he doesn’t drink and smoke as much. Those are the times when he nuzzles Alex’s neck and whispers things in his ear that make him dizzy.

 

Alex has really kind of come to terms with being dizzy. The emotions in him, the things his body feels. It’s heavy. Unfamiliar. It’s like he’s fallen into the ocean and he can’t swim. He can barely keep his head above water. John reminds him of the hurricane, everywhere and destructive and he’s drowning. But John also reminds him of the sky after the storm, beautiful and calm after creating such a momentous cataclysm sufficient to strike astonishment into angels. He likes the moments when John is the aftermath of a storm, when Alex can pretend that everything is going to be okay now.

 

_ Warm afternoon light streams in through the bedroom windows. John’s new apartment is much more comfortable than the dorm. Hell, the bedroom alone is bigger than the whole dorm was (not by much, but still). It’s also warmer, and laying in bed with John feels nice like that. It’s sort of domestic really, with John spooning him from behind, mouth right by his ear. There’s little kisses and whispers and he just feels so content. _

 

_ “Pretty boy,” John murmurs, stroking lightly over Alex’s bare stomach. His voice is slow and syrupy, just on the sweet side of high. “My pretty boy. My Alex. I love having you with me. Wish you could just stay here. I’d keep you here. My boy.” _

 

_ Alex’s eyes are closed, and it makes the voice in his ear all the more intimate. The hand on his stomach moves languidly up his chest, over his arm, down to his hip. He shivers from all the attention. It’s the most anyone’s ever really touched him or looked at him. John looks at him like he could never pull his eyes away. Feels his body like he’s running his fingers over something to be treasured. Alex lets out a little noise, snuggles back against John. _

 

_ John doesn’t stop whispering, not even as he presses wet little kisses to Alex’s neck. “Gonna keep you. Need you. Need you more than air, Alex. You’re a wound I don’t wanna get rid of. My wound, my drug.” _

 

_ He’s not sure about that part. John is always calling Alex his wound. Alex isn’t sure if he likes that. He doesn’t want to hurt John. He wants to make John happy, wants to impress him. He sort of understands it, though. John is like his wound, too. It hurts to be with him and love him, and he feels like that’ll never change. Even if it does, the scar will remain. Being with John will leave him scarred. That’s okay, he thinks. He never wants to forget John, whether or not he ends up hurt. _

 

Alex wishes every day with John was like that rose-colored happiness, that calm after the storm. He wishes the nights weren’t so long and whiskey-scented. He also wishes John preferred smoking to drinking. Weed makes John needy and a strange tender sort of dominant. It makes him tug Alex close and practically consume him. When he’s high is when Alex can press against him and just give up for a little bit. He won’t hurt Alex when he’s high.

 

Drinking, though? Drinking makes John mean. He yells and throws things. If he’s not being loud, he’s saying the cruellest things he can think of. He’ll grab Alex and shake him, shove him down, throw him across the room. He’ll compare Alex to his father and talk about things Alex doesn’t even understand. And it’s all Alex’s fault. If he didn’t push John like he does, if he’d learn to shut his mouth, he wouldn’t make John so angry. If he wasn’t scared of John, the man wouldn’t get angry with him. John doesn’t like it when Alex is scared. 

 

The breaking down is almost worse than the anger. When Alex has John shaking and crying in his arms, the world feels like it’s falling down around him. That’s when John is the hurricane, jerking Alex every which way and trying so damn hard to push him underwater. John will clutch at Alex’s shirt, cry into his neck, apologize over and over again for everything. He’ll beg and wail and Alex can’t take that, see, he doesn’t know what to do. Alex doesn’t understand how to make him feel better. He doesn’t know people or what to do with them, so he’ll just sit and cradle John and fight back bitter, scared tears.

 

_ John throws his alarm clock at the wall. “What the fuck, Alex, what the fuck are you on about?” _

 

_ Alex has himself tucked into a corner of the bedroom, head ducked and hands protectively in front of him. He watches John rage with wide eyes and his heart goes a mile a minute. John has been like this for the past thirty minutes, though it feels like an eternity. All Alex did was gently say that John should stop drinking so much. He does that a lot, tries to approach the subject slowly and carefully to avoid scenes like this. Must’ve done something wrong, he must’ve fucked up. John only gets mad when he fucks up, even though he takes the anger too far. _

 

_ “You’re completely wasted, you idiot! That’s what’s wrong with you! When’s the last time I saw you and you were totally stone-cold sober, huh? You have a problem, John!” Alex’s voice shakes as he yells back at John. He’s got to fight back, both for his pride and so John won’t get even angrier. If he stays quiet and scared, it’ll only make things worse. _

 

_ There’s no answer from John, and that’s because the man has stomped over to Alex and grabbed his arm in a bruising grip to yank him out of the corner. He pulls Alex close, screams in his face, “I don’t have a problem! You’re the one with the fucking problem! You chose to stay, you said I’m all you need. Now you won’t stop bitching at me to change! You’re just like my dad, I’m not fucking good enough for either of you, am I?” John shakes him so hard his head snaps back and he can nearly feel his bones rattle around. “Fucking answer me!” _

 

_ John’s right, isn’t he? Alex complains too much, he did say John is all he needs. And he knows John’s father is an absolute piece of shit who never accepted his son. Does John really think Alex is like his father? Even though Alex knows that was a low blow, it still hits and it hits hard. This is all his stupid fault, and he still shoves at John and slaps his chest. Not that it does anything. “Let go of me!” His voice cracks with the weight of his overwhelming fear. “Let go of me, you’re hurting me! Fuck off, John!” _

 

_ There’s no way Alex with his starving build could move John, so John takes it upon himself to throw Alexander across the bedroom so his back hits the wall. He makes a pained noise, but John isn’t listening. “What, you don’t want me now? You don’t want me if I don’t act just how you like? That’s fucking bullshit, Alex, you don’t get to pick and choose what you like and not want the rest! You stay for all of me or you get the fuck out!” _

 

_ He can’t do this, Alex can’t do this. His head is spinning and he doesn’t know whether to believe the part of him that hates John or the part that loves him. Is John lying or is Alex really being horrible? Alex is inclined to believe it’s his fault, just because why would John lie about that? It’s his fault, but he’s so scared and dizzy and he’s got to get out of here. He tries to glare at John, tries to sell the anger that’s masking the storm behind his eyes.  _

 

_ “Fine. Sit here and drink yourself to death for all I care. I’ll get the fuck out.” Alex doesn’t want to go, he wants to stay and apologize for upsetting John, but he stumbles to where his bag is dropped on the floor. He picks it up, turns to the door.  _

 

_ Then comes John’s small, watery voice. “Don’t go, Alex. You said you wouldn’t leave.” He sounds so needy, so like a confused child, and Alex can’t leave. Alex drops everything and kneels down to pull John’s shaking body close. He grabs the man’s hands where they’re pulling his own hair and scratching himself, wraps the arms around his waist instead. _

 

_ “Shh, shh, John. I’m not leaving, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I won’t leave. I told you I won’t leave. Please don’t hurt yourself, please don’t cry. John, please, I don’t like it when you cry.” How could he leave, how could he even begin to leave, he’s so fucked up. He’s the worst. _

 

_ Alex’s heart breaks even more when John starts mindlessly whimpering through his tears. “I’m not good, made my boy sad, didn’t mean to make you sad. Didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m drunk, shook you too hard, didn’t mean to. Didn’t wanna hurt you or make you sad.” _

 

_ It’s horrific to listen to John sobbing and coughing and not catching his breath. Alex kisses his forehead and pets his tangled hair, tender as he can. “It’s okay, you didn’t mean to. You didn’t mean to. Please don’t cry, I love you, everything is okay. I’m not sad, see? It’s gonna be okay.” _

 

_ They’ll be okay. _

  
At times, Alex wonders whether he should be more concerned that John never really says “sorry”. He never really says “I love you”. But Alex forgives him, he always forgives John. He knows John’s sorry. He knows John loves him. He’ll take care of John, he’ll never even try to leave again. Alex willingly went to John, gave himself to the man he loves in every way possible. John needs him. No matter how scared Alex gets, he can’t leave when he’s needed. He has to stay. Alex can’t lose John.

**Author's Note:**

> Have some more angsty garbage. It hurt to write this, I just want to take Alex by the shoulders and tell him to get the fuck away from John. 
> 
> The usual disclaimer that goes with this series, nothing is okay. John is really fucked up and he loves Alex, but that doesn't make what he does okay. And Alex is scared of John and scared of being with John, but he loves him and will violently defend their relationship. John should not be doing what he's doing and Alex should not be allowing it to happen. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know any better. He doesn't understand why the whole thing is really, really not okay.
> 
> Side note: the tags in John's POV said he lies to himself. It mostly shows up in the last memory, where John and Alex are fighting. John doesn't like when Alex is scared of him, so he basically just completely lies to himself and pretends that Alex is angry instead of terrified. He refuses to acknowledge Alex's fear.
> 
> If anyone wants another part in the series, tell me! I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'd like to keep it going.
> 
> Title and summary are from The Most Beautiful Bitter Fruit by La Dispute.
> 
> Unedited like everything else I write.
> 
> Comments and kudos keep my skin clear and make me happy-cry and make me keep writing.


End file.
